A Real Sickening Display of Sportsmanship Happened Last Night

Those of you who typically read this blog know I am a nice guy who almost never takes sides or says anything rude about anyone unless they steal my food. But this time I must call it as I see it: There has never, in the history of organized sports or camping, been two more unsportsmenlike head coaches on the same field
at the same time like there were last night in the USC - UCLA game. Lady Peter Carroll and Dr. Richard Pipsqueaker should be ashamed of themselves.

Sports Picture of the Day

Who Am I?

I am Morty Ortman, the once-famous major league pitcher and now renowned sports writer. I am making my rounds across the internet, trying to get people to read my sports blog, which I believe you may find funny, amusing and down-right hamster-like. It's perfect for the lonely sports fan like you who's bored this time of year. Remember, you can call me Morty because I always respond to those who call me by name. I am also a VERY big fan of the orchestra and danced my life away on a gay cruise last month. Please follow me at twitter.com/mortyortman Thank you.

I DEMAND Peking Duck at Baseball Games!

If Panda Express is gonna be served at baseball games, why can't we have Peking Duck?

Fathead Stickers Aren't My Thing

You know those Fathead stickers? I don't like them. They make your room look too small. That's why I'll never buy one.

Hey World Series Guys, Please Return My Call!

I've been calling the Yankees and Phillies all day for some free World Series tickets. Left several messages but nobody's returning my calls. I'm surprised.

I'll Look for You on the Big Screen!

The more I watch college basketball, the more convinced I am that you have a future in Japanese movies.

You send me hate mail because I'm smarter than you?

I've been getting hate mail today. I mean, I don't know what else you'd call it. I assume I'm getting it because I'm smarter than you. There's no other explanation I can think of. Here's two samples:

Dear Morty,
F you. You're an idiot. I don't know if you're sports blog is a joke or not, but if it's serious, there's something wrong with you. You don't know sh-t about sports so stop pretending you do. Jerk off.
Signed,
Ben in Florida

Mortimer,
You sound like a bitch. Stick to dancing. You don't know ANYTHING about sports. GFY.
Signed,
Louis H in California

Listen up Louis and Ben. I don't understand your hatred for me. I am a sports authority and a well-known one, too. Your ridiculous carnival-type letters and carnations and pig flavored spout won't stop me. I will sick Selena Williams, the famous tennis player on you if you keep threatening me. You don't want that because she'll probably give you tennis elbow. Just keep reading my blog so you can learn more about sports you big seed. Thank you, Love Morty

Can the UCLA Bruins Win the Pac 10?

If we're talking about women's softball (one of my favorite sports), yes, the Bruins have a great chance of winning their conference outright. If we're talking about football, it's hard to say. The Bruins have already lost three games in conference; they've started the season 0-3. But they do have six games left. If they can win all six, and end up 6-3 in the Pac 10, then UCLA has an outside chance of not only winning the Pac 10 outright, but actually getting to the BCS Championship Game at the Rose Bowl this year. Most likely they'd play Miami. But we'll have to wait and see.

College Football Upset Picks of the Day

It's a HUGE day in college football. Most Saturday's are. But today's special because it's homecoming for many teams. Weber State at Northern Colorado is probably the biggest of all the games because it has the most BCS complications. Let's say Weber State pulls off the upset (unlikely, but bear with me).

With a victory, the ENTIRE BCS ranking get turned on upside down. All of a sudden Ohio State and Texas are back in the race! I wish I could predict the future, so I can't tell you who will come out on top in this guaranteed-to-be exciting football game. But I think Weber State has a chance...and if so, college football as we know it might never be the same!

And by the way, for all you fools who think Weber State is moving its college from Denver to Colorado Springs, I assure you there's absolutely NO TRUTH to that rumor. So quit thinking about it.

TRADE RUMOR! TRADE RUMOR!

As many of you know there's been lots of internet chatter about Wide Receiver Terrell Owens being traded for Micheal Irvin. Should this go through, Irvin would be back on the Cowboys where he started his NFL career after a star-studded collegiate experience at Florida State. If I were a betting man, I'd say this trade has a better than 50-50 chance of happening. I'll keep you posted, as they say in the sports world, when I know more.

Can the Angels Pull it Off?

As you know, the Angels and Yankees meet for Game 7 of the American League Championship Series tomorrow night in St. Louis. The Angels have stormed back from a 3-0 series deficit to tie the series at 3. It won't be easy to win on the Yankees' home field, otherwise known as "The House that Ruth Built." But let's say for a minute the Angels DO win. Won't you be surprised?

I know I will. The Yankees are NOT as good as everyone thinks. If they were, they'd have put this series away when they had the chance. There's no reason they shouldn't have already closed this series out, 4 games to none. But here they are now, on the brink of elimination at home.

Go Angels!

Let's Go on a Fieldtrip Together!

Would you care to join me at Dodger Stadium? Coors Field? Soldier Field in Miami? I would love to visit any of these world famous sports landmarks with you. I will rent a van from the "cream cheese of van rentals" -- Enterprise Rent a Car -- and together we'll drive to see all the sports games you can imagine!

How do you like this picture?

If you're like me, you have an affection for men in white suits. That's why I think this picture of Mike Petino and Michael Jordan is so hot. I also know exactly what they're talking about. Pitino's telling Jordan to dunk the ball on a fast break the next time he gets a chance.

In a World of Stupid Sports Authorities, You are Lucky to Have Me

Let's face it, there's lots of idiots out there. The think they know sports. But you and I know better. We know I am the KING of sports authorities and get all the inside info before anyone else. That's why you return to my blog over and over again.

Am I Famous Yet?

Don't be fooled sports fans, the only reason I write this blog is to become more famous than I already am.

No will EVER "Squeeze the Candy" again

You probably already know I'm the last major league baseball player to hit .400, spanking the ball with authority across major league ballparks everywhere during that magical summer of 1973.

I am not typically bragadocious. But I am proud of my achievement. (I confess I became very scared, and even developed a unflattering nervous condition, when Dr. and Mrs. Tony Gwynn, along with their loving husband George Brett, flirted with my monumentous acheivement several times -- most recently during the season 2006.) Yet I remain the most recent professional ballplayer to hit .400 and, in my correct opinion, no one will EVER be able to call themselves a .400 hitter again.

Don't believe me? Look at the way gas prices have risen, fallen, risen again, and have now remained relatively steady for some time.

But that's not the only reason I don't expect anyone to "squeeze the candy" ever again. (By the way, for the uninitiated, "squeezing the candy" is what we call hitting .400 in the locker room): "The Wave" -- perhaps the most enjoyble participatory event in a sport's fans life -- did not exist when I played.

The Wave only came into existence a year or two ago. And the problem is, while the wave is a total blast to watch and do, from an athlete's standpoint it's pure garbage. It's distracting.

In fact, it's been proven time and again -- most recently by the National Organziation for Black Labs -- that every single baseball player in the major leagues has seen his batting average drop by an average over .159 since the advent of "The Wave."

Unless you're a total idiot, and you like arguing with facts (like many Republican's do), then I'm afraid the proof is in the pop tarts.

As long as The Wave hangs around, my record's safe.

Oganically Grown Footballs?

You may have missed the story in today's L.A. Times about Organically Grown Footballs. Totally understandable since no such story appeared. But if you've ever wanted an Organically Grown Football or two, you've reached the right place on the Internet.

I am the inventor of such Balls. I know how to message them just right. In fact, in their gestation period, these Balls squeel and gripe and grow in delight because of the way I handle them.

When the Balls are born, they are born with the leather laces and white stripes facing forward. These Footballs are so special and proper that no one has ever missed a field goal when kicking one. These golden nuggets have eyes of their own. They sail right through the middle of the uprights even when the placekicker screws up the party.

Since you are not stupid, you must be asking yourself, "Where can I pick up one of these Organic Grown Butt Biscuits?"

The answer is simple. Grab a shoehorn and bury yourself in 45 pounds of bacon fat and saw dust. Even though this mixture seems grotesque on the surface, it's actually a special mold from which an Organically Grown Football will appear.

Don't believe, young midget? Give it a try. It works!

How to Hit a Baseball

I realize only 11 or 12 people read my blog. I also understand you have no idea how to hit a baseball. I feel sorry for you. So I have decided to give you some inside tips only the major leaguers know.

The first thing you need is a baseball. Then hit it.

That's all there is to it. But if you still have trouble, call me in 10 minutes so. I am happy to help you further. Just call the toll-free number at the bottom of your screen, I don't care one bit.

THAT'S how you hit a baseball!

Madame Chairman, You are a Bitch

Madame Chairman,

This is Morty Ortman speaking to you from outside the Las Vegas Pizza Hut. I am not happy with the recent sponge of events that have taken place on your watch. Nor did you get my permission to raid the patio and steal my sports toys. I am now missing my favorite dairy hose and basketball pump...THE VERY BASKETBALL PUMP I USED TO INJECT ALEX "A-ROD" ROSENFIELD WITH "THE JUICE" SO HE COULD HIT MORE HOME RUNS.

This isn't something I take lightly. I won that basketball pump for being the runner-up in a shuffleboard contest on a gay cruise last year. It's my favorite pump. So please don't think for a minute, Madame Chairman, that I won't pursue this issue and try to get my pump back.

Believe me, I am known as a hoodlum and can punch and scratch and bite with the best of them. I have been known to slug people right in the jaw and watch their cheeks vibrate. I am not saying I will do this to you, but then again, I might -- who knows.

Unfortunately you have now been removed from my #1 Sports Fan List. You previously held the 4th postion. But now you're off the list completely. Sports fans don't steal from each other, and this is your consequence. You are a mad bitch and your dog's anus fell off and your feet look like jello and your fat hands remind me of goat vomit and your hair is too short and I hope you get hit by a bus. You are the red hamlet of sports fans you ugly chimp!

Thank you, Love Morty

2009 All Star Game was League's Last

Did you catch the NBA All-Start game yesterday? NBA stands for "National Basketball Assocation." The reason they use the letters "NBA" is so they don't have to say or write all the words, "National Basketball Assocation." NBA is a shorter version of the same thing, that's all.

Anyway, the game was played between the East All Starts and the West All Stars. The East BLEW OUT the West All Stars. It wasn't even close. The score was East 196, West 122 or something. Paul Speers of the Boston Celtics won the MVP Award (Most Valuable Person.)

Unfortunately the 2009 NBA All Start game was the very last All Start game to be played. The NBA is being dismantled after the 2009 season due to lack of fan interest. David Sperm, the League Commissioner, is said to be disappointed but I haven't been able to reach him yet for a statement. Assuming I do reach him, his quote will probably be along the lines of, "The NBA is being dismantled after the 2009 season due to lack of fan interest."

I will close this post by reminding you to take your cholesterol medication. You have a number of people relying on you. You can't afford to have another heart attack. Remember when Texas football head coach Mitch Brown had two heart attacks in 10 minutes? Don't let that happen to you.

FUCLA's Slick Dick Neuheisman Caught Entering Recruits' Rear Ends

I just got inside information on FUCLA football coach Dick Neuheisman. He's engaging in questionable recruiting tactics. We all know Coach Neuheisman's a homo. I don't have a problem with that. But when Nueheisman (or is it Neuheisel?) tries to enter a few high school recruits from the rear, that's a violation of sorts we can do without. My inside sources tell me the authorities will be after Slick Dick soon enough. Good! This disgusting fella needs to be thrown in jail where he'll get a taste of his own buttocks. I will post more information as it comes to me.

Nobody on the Air Force Falcons Basketball Team Can Dunk

I took a volcano vacation, otherwise know as participating in a pass, punt and pitch contest, last evening in Rome. The competition really made my teeth mash. I was swept up in the beauty and splendor of my lard. Then came the Air Force Falcons, one of my favorite all time basketball teams. Why are they my favorite? Because they are the first college basketball team in HISTORY that doesn't have a single player who can dunk the ball. Can you imagine?

I HIGHLY suggest the Air Force team visits this link so someone can finally dunk. If they don't learn fast then my beloved Falcons are not going to win a single game this year.

Also, if some of these non-jumping wankers would sit down for a meal or two like this young boy eating his breakfast, maybe some power would flow down into the Falcons' collective legs and someone could finally dunk the ball.

Go Air Force!

Today's the BIG DAY for the Super Bowl!

So I was in the shower giving myself a testicular cancer exam this morning -- something I do three of four times a day, just to be sure -- when all of sudden it hit me. Today's the BIG DAY! It's the Cardinals against the Peelers for the United States World Championship of football. I am an absolute master of the x's and o's of football. So I can tell you the Cardinals will win by another 40 points or so. It's really true.

The other thing is, I predict the Lions starting quarterback, Mr. Grocery Bagger himself Kurt Weber, will not be effective against the Peeler's pass runs. Therefore Matthew J. Lionhart will enter the game and be the hero. Lionhart will end up shredding the Peeler's defense for 679 yards passing and Tampa Bay will win, 40-10.

Should you bet the house? I would.

Super Bowl and NHL Hockey Game on the Same Day

I am not sure if you love hockey as much I do. You probably don't because you are not a wine hamlet. For example, please give a long look at this:

You're darn right it's cheese. Swiss cheese, no less. That's the whole problem. For some reason the National Hockey League has decided to have its annual All Star game on the SAME DAY as the Super Bowl tomorrow. Can you imagine? And, it's being broadcast on several channels while the Super Bowl is only on ONE channel. I'd rather see the musical Oliver!

Good luck to everyone. I'm going to visit the NHL corporate offices in 10 minutes to discuss this with the proper authorities. I don't like what I'm seeing. I am not wearing any fragrances.

Darnell, Where Have You Gone?

Dammit Darnell! I can't find you. You ran off with the Nerf? How dare you. I was hoping to have a heart-to-heart talk about the upcoming Olympic Games in Paris. Please return the Nerf to my locker. The combination is 44-99-0909. Thank you, Darnell, your friendship is very special to me.

Here's One GORGEOUS Picture!

I hope you find this picture enjoyable. When I saw it I just melted. This is pure athleticism. I feel like blowing this up and putting in my room next to my Brooke Shields poster.

BREAKING SPORTS NEWS

This is a red alert! This is a red alert! Urban "Richard" Pryor, the fabulous former head football coach of the Utah Utes -- and now the chimp of the world champion Miami Gators -- has just announced his retirement!

Check back here for more information as it comes in. I have pipeline sources feeding this rum to me. I can give you more news about this unflattering story BEFORE anyone else!

DO NOT rely on ANY sports mushrooms OTHER THAN ME.

My new dog is a biter and she will NOT behave any better unless Urban Pryor comes out of retirement within three hours! Send my your electrifying value mice today!

Go Miami Gators, find a new coach!

My Dearest Fabulous Penne Chubs

I am writing this open letter to the football fans of the universe and those of you spitting your teeth out and hiding behind the bushes at the University of Maine. I DO NOT expect you to reply to my appeals. I know you are busy, and besides, the pears are dropping from the trees. I just want you to know your head is TOO FAT to think straight. There is NO WAY a traffic cop should expect his gloves to stay white in the middle of all this Silly Bowl hype. Go to hell you monster of ceremonies!

Super Bowl Projections

My Asian Friends and Chinese neighbors are holding a dog hostage until the super bowl ends. The super bowl is being played in the depths of the shadows of elf land and parrots. I am deeply apologetic to the magic of David Copperfield who has never been to the running of the bulls, the finish lines of all finish lines of all finish lines. May I help you, young hen?