You probably already know I'm the last major league baseball player to hit .400, spanking the ball with authority across major league ballparks everywhere during that magical summer of 1973.
I am not typically bragadocious. But I am proud of my achievement. (I confess I became very scared, and even developed a unflattering nervous condition, when Dr. and Mrs. Tony Gwynn, along with their loving husband George Brett, flirted with my monumentous acheivement several times -- most recently during the season 2006.) Yet I remain the most recent professional ballplayer to hit .400 and, in my correct opinion, no one will EVER be able to call themselves a .400 hitter again.
Don't believe me? Look at the way gas prices have risen, fallen, risen again, and have now remained relatively steady for some time.
But that's not the only reason I don't expect anyone to "squeeze the candy" ever again. (By the way, for the uninitiated, "squeezing the candy" is what we call hitting .400 in the locker room): "The Wave" -- perhaps the most enjoyble participatory event in a sport's fans life -- did not exist when I played.
The Wave only came into existence a year or two ago. And the problem is, while the wave is a total blast to watch and do, from an athlete's standpoint it's pure garbage. It's distracting.
In fact, it's been proven time and again -- most recently by the National Organziation for Black Labs -- that every single baseball player in the major leagues has seen his batting average drop by an average over .159 since the advent of "The Wave."
Unless you're a total idiot, and you like arguing with facts (like many Republican's do), then I'm afraid the proof is in the pop tarts.
As long as The Wave hangs around, my record's safe.
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