My Dearest Fabulous Penne Chubs

I am writing this open letter to the football fans of the universe and those of you spitting your teeth out and hiding behind the bushes at the University of Maine. I DO NOT expect you to reply to my appeals. I know you are busy, and besides, the pears are dropping from the trees. I just want you to know your head is TOO FAT to think straight. There is NO WAY a traffic cop should expect his gloves to stay white in the middle of all this Silly Bowl hype. Go to hell you monster of ceremonies!