You may have missed the story in today's L.A. Times about Organically Grown Footballs. Totally understandable since no such story appeared. But if you've ever wanted an Organically Grown Football or two, you've reached the right place on the Internet.
I am the inventor of such Balls. I know how to message them just right. In fact, in their gestation period, these Balls squeel and gripe and grow in delight because of the way I handle them.
When the Balls are born, they are born with the leather laces and white stripes facing forward. These Footballs are so special and proper that no one has ever missed a field goal when kicking one. These golden nuggets have eyes of their own. They sail right through the middle of the uprights even when the placekicker screws up the party.
Since you are not stupid, you must be asking yourself, "Where can I pick up one of these Organic Grown Butt Biscuits?"
The answer is simple. Grab a shoehorn and bury yourself in 45 pounds of bacon fat and saw dust. Even though this mixture seems grotesque on the surface, it's actually a special mold from which an Organically Grown Football will appear.
Don't believe, young midget? Give it a try. It works!
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