Madame Chairman,
This is Morty Ortman speaking to you from outside the Las Vegas Pizza Hut. I am not happy with the recent sponge of events that have taken place on your watch. Nor did you get my permission to raid the patio and steal my sports toys. I am now missing my favorite dairy hose and basketball pump...THE VERY BASKETBALL PUMP I USED TO INJECT ALEX "A-ROD" ROSENFIELD WITH "THE JUICE" SO HE COULD HIT MORE HOME RUNS.
This isn't something I take lightly. I won that basketball pump for being the runner-up in a shuffleboard contest on a gay cruise last year. It's my favorite pump. So please don't think for a minute, Madame Chairman, that I won't pursue this issue and try to get my pump back.
Believe me, I am known as a hoodlum and can punch and scratch and bite with the best of them. I have been known to slug people right in the jaw and watch their cheeks vibrate. I am not saying I will do this to you, but then again, I might -- who knows.
Unfortunately you have now been removed from my #1 Sports Fan List. You previously held the 4th postion. But now you're off the list completely. Sports fans don't steal from each other, and this is your consequence. You are a mad bitch and your dog's anus fell off and your feet look like jello and your fat hands remind me of goat vomit and your hair is too short and I hope you get hit by a bus. You are the red hamlet of sports fans you ugly chimp!
Thank you, Love Morty
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