No will EVER "Squeeze the Candy" again

You probably already know I'm the last major league baseball player to hit .400, spanking the ball with authority across major league ballparks everywhere during that magical summer of 1973.

I am not typically bragadocious. But I am proud of my achievement. (I confess I became very scared, and even developed a unflattering nervous condition, when Dr. and Mrs. Tony Gwynn, along with their loving husband George Brett, flirted with my monumentous acheivement several times -- most recently during the season 2006.) Yet I remain the most recent professional ballplayer to hit .400 and, in my correct opinion, no one will EVER be able to call themselves a .400 hitter again.

Don't believe me? Look at the way gas prices have risen, fallen, risen again, and have now remained relatively steady for some time.

But that's not the only reason I don't expect anyone to "squeeze the candy" ever again. (By the way, for the uninitiated, "squeezing the candy" is what we call hitting .400 in the locker room): "The Wave" -- perhaps the most enjoyble participatory event in a sport's fans life -- did not exist when I played.

The Wave only came into existence a year or two ago. And the problem is, while the wave is a total blast to watch and do, from an athlete's standpoint it's pure garbage. It's distracting.

In fact, it's been proven time and again -- most recently by the National Organziation for Black Labs -- that every single baseball player in the major leagues has seen his batting average drop by an average over .159 since the advent of "The Wave."

Unless you're a total idiot, and you like arguing with facts (like many Republican's do), then I'm afraid the proof is in the pop tarts.

As long as The Wave hangs around, my record's safe.

Oganically Grown Footballs?

You may have missed the story in today's L.A. Times about Organically Grown Footballs. Totally understandable since no such story appeared. But if you've ever wanted an Organically Grown Football or two, you've reached the right place on the Internet.

I am the inventor of such Balls. I know how to message them just right. In fact, in their gestation period, these Balls squeel and gripe and grow in delight because of the way I handle them.

When the Balls are born, they are born with the leather laces and white stripes facing forward. These Footballs are so special and proper that no one has ever missed a field goal when kicking one. These golden nuggets have eyes of their own. They sail right through the middle of the uprights even when the placekicker screws up the party.

Since you are not stupid, you must be asking yourself, "Where can I pick up one of these Organic Grown Butt Biscuits?"

The answer is simple. Grab a shoehorn and bury yourself in 45 pounds of bacon fat and saw dust. Even though this mixture seems grotesque on the surface, it's actually a special mold from which an Organically Grown Football will appear.

Don't believe, young midget? Give it a try. It works!

How to Hit a Baseball

I realize only 11 or 12 people read my blog. I also understand you have no idea how to hit a baseball. I feel sorry for you. So I have decided to give you some inside tips only the major leaguers know.

The first thing you need is a baseball. Then hit it.

That's all there is to it. But if you still have trouble, call me in 10 minutes so. I am happy to help you further. Just call the toll-free number at the bottom of your screen, I don't care one bit.

THAT'S how you hit a baseball!

Madame Chairman, You are a Bitch

Madame Chairman,

This is Morty Ortman speaking to you from outside the Las Vegas Pizza Hut. I am not happy with the recent sponge of events that have taken place on your watch. Nor did you get my permission to raid the patio and steal my sports toys. I am now missing my favorite dairy hose and basketball pump...THE VERY BASKETBALL PUMP I USED TO INJECT ALEX "A-ROD" ROSENFIELD WITH "THE JUICE" SO HE COULD HIT MORE HOME RUNS.

This isn't something I take lightly. I won that basketball pump for being the runner-up in a shuffleboard contest on a gay cruise last year. It's my favorite pump. So please don't think for a minute, Madame Chairman, that I won't pursue this issue and try to get my pump back.

Believe me, I am known as a hoodlum and can punch and scratch and bite with the best of them. I have been known to slug people right in the jaw and watch their cheeks vibrate. I am not saying I will do this to you, but then again, I might -- who knows.

Unfortunately you have now been removed from my #1 Sports Fan List. You previously held the 4th postion. But now you're off the list completely. Sports fans don't steal from each other, and this is your consequence. You are a mad bitch and your dog's anus fell off and your feet look like jello and your fat hands remind me of goat vomit and your hair is too short and I hope you get hit by a bus. You are the red hamlet of sports fans you ugly chimp!

Thank you, Love Morty

2009 All Star Game was League's Last

Did you catch the NBA All-Start game yesterday? NBA stands for "National Basketball Assocation." The reason they use the letters "NBA" is so they don't have to say or write all the words, "National Basketball Assocation." NBA is a shorter version of the same thing, that's all.

Anyway, the game was played between the East All Starts and the West All Stars. The East BLEW OUT the West All Stars. It wasn't even close. The score was East 196, West 122 or something. Paul Speers of the Boston Celtics won the MVP Award (Most Valuable Person.)

Unfortunately the 2009 NBA All Start game was the very last All Start game to be played. The NBA is being dismantled after the 2009 season due to lack of fan interest. David Sperm, the League Commissioner, is said to be disappointed but I haven't been able to reach him yet for a statement. Assuming I do reach him, his quote will probably be along the lines of, "The NBA is being dismantled after the 2009 season due to lack of fan interest."

I will close this post by reminding you to take your cholesterol medication. You have a number of people relying on you. You can't afford to have another heart attack. Remember when Texas football head coach Mitch Brown had two heart attacks in 10 minutes? Don't let that happen to you.

FUCLA's Slick Dick Neuheisman Caught Entering Recruits' Rear Ends

I just got inside information on FUCLA football coach Dick Neuheisman. He's engaging in questionable recruiting tactics. We all know Coach Neuheisman's a homo. I don't have a problem with that. But when Nueheisman (or is it Neuheisel?) tries to enter a few high school recruits from the rear, that's a violation of sorts we can do without. My inside sources tell me the authorities will be after Slick Dick soon enough. Good! This disgusting fella needs to be thrown in jail where he'll get a taste of his own buttocks. I will post more information as it comes to me.

Nobody on the Air Force Falcons Basketball Team Can Dunk

I took a volcano vacation, otherwise know as participating in a pass, punt and pitch contest, last evening in Rome. The competition really made my teeth mash. I was swept up in the beauty and splendor of my lard. Then came the Air Force Falcons, one of my favorite all time basketball teams. Why are they my favorite? Because they are the first college basketball team in HISTORY that doesn't have a single player who can dunk the ball. Can you imagine?

I HIGHLY suggest the Air Force team visits this link so someone can finally dunk. If they don't learn fast then my beloved Falcons are not going to win a single game this year.

Also, if some of these non-jumping wankers would sit down for a meal or two like this young boy eating his breakfast, maybe some power would flow down into the Falcons' collective legs and someone could finally dunk the ball.

Go Air Force!

Today's the BIG DAY for the Super Bowl!

So I was in the shower giving myself a testicular cancer exam this morning -- something I do three of four times a day, just to be sure -- when all of sudden it hit me. Today's the BIG DAY! It's the Cardinals against the Peelers for the United States World Championship of football. I am an absolute master of the x's and o's of football. So I can tell you the Cardinals will win by another 40 points or so. It's really true.

The other thing is, I predict the Lions starting quarterback, Mr. Grocery Bagger himself Kurt Weber, will not be effective against the Peeler's pass runs. Therefore Matthew J. Lionhart will enter the game and be the hero. Lionhart will end up shredding the Peeler's defense for 679 yards passing and Tampa Bay will win, 40-10.

Should you bet the house? I would.