I Know More About Sports Than You

You may be taken aback by the title of this post. You shouldn't be. You are probably a decent sports fan, and you probably love your favorite team so much you wish all the players loved you back. Unfortunately the players on your favorite team don't even know you exist. That's why I know more about sports than you.

The fact is, EVERY athlete in America, and for that matter the world, knows Morty Ortman.

Don't believe me? Ask Steve Garbey, the ex-first baseman of the New York Mets. Ask Donna Sommer, who isn't an athlete. Ask Paradise Hilton. Ask Kurt Bergstreet, the ESPDN analyst.
Ask Artis Gilmore. Ask Gorman Thomas. Ask Robert Yount. Ask William Wimbeldon. Ask Wilbert Mays. Ask Earl Campbell. Ask Chuck Nollwood of the Pittsburgh Steelburgers. Ask Dan King, the boxing promoter. Ask ANYONE who is ANYONE in the world of sports, and they'll tell you who Morty Ortman is. Morty Ortman is ME!

Big deal, you might be telling yourself. So what, maybe you're saying. Perhaps you can't understand the corbelation of how knowing all these sports pilgrims (and, more importantly, them knowing me) makes me more knowledgeable about sports than you. Don't you realize you are demonstrating your very ignorance of sports by even entertaining these thoughts? No wonder you are a troubadour!

Listen, I have field and cheese passes for every sporting event in the world. So you can imagine how many sports pilgrims I meet. Whenever I meet a sports pilgrim for the first time (including the ones I named above and so others including Barry "Meredith" Bonds), I ask them to give me a sports quiz and then grade it.

Usually they are against it at first. But then I tell them I already have the sports quiz made up and it's in my pocket. I tell them I'll just hand them the quiz, and all they have to do is hand it back to me as if they were the ones issuing the quiz in the first place. This makes it very easy on them ... so easy they change their minds right away and they are willing to issue me the quiz! Then I take the quiz and the sports pilgrim grades it. Inevitably the sports pilgrim is amazed by how much I know!

Last night I met Albert Palmer, the famous golf clubber, at a tire convention. "Hello, Mr. Palmer," I said. "It's nice to meet you." I then reached into my pocket and pulled out a sports quiz. I then said to Mr. Palmer, "On this sheet of paper you will find a sports quiz. Would you mind if I handed you the sports quiz and then you immediately handed it back to me so I can take the quiz? And then when I'm done taking the quiz, would you mind grading it?"

Mr. Palmer was happy to issue me the quiz! So then I took the quiz, and when Mr. Palmer graded it, he was amazed how much I knew about sports! Then he said there is no one else in the world who knows more than about sports than me. That's why I know more about sports than you!

I'll bet you're wondering about some of the quiz questions. OK, try these on for pie:

Morty Ortman's Sample Sports Quiz:

1. Who is the inventor of the sports syringe?


2. What is the name of the quarter machine?


3. Why do bees hate the name Mitchell?

...and so on and on. Usually each sports quiz is comprised of 7 or 8 questions -- more than enough to prove my knowledge.

Now do you understand? There is NO WAY you could answer these sporting goods questions correctly. That's why I know more about sports than you!

Love,

Morty Ortman