Breaking News: Private Transript from John McPalin's Pre-Election Acceptance Speech

Remember Major Harriston, the West Virginia swivelback who made the I-Wing formation famous in the early 1980's? Now in politics, Major Harriston is a John McPalin supporter and McPalin's primary speech writer. Mr. Harriston has already prepared McCain's presidental acceptance speech ahead of the September 4 election!

How do I know? Because I'm a famous sportsfigure, and Major Harriston is my best friend. We keep in contact regularly. Mr. Harriston sent me a copy of McPalin's acceptance speech this morning.

I made a severe promise to both Major Harriston and Jonathan Sydney McPalin that I would NOT share McPalin's acceptance speech with you. But I can't help myself. I so admire your youthful exuberance and boyish good looks, I feel must treat you to at least some bits and pieces of McPalin's speechburger, if not the whole thing.

I understand I may be putting the country's security at risk and suffer accusations of voter praud by posting this here. I don't care. You are an adept and stout little pigeon and an avid reader of my bloglines. You deserve the best!

Here, then, is a partial transcript of McPalin's upcoming speechburger which he plans to read the night of September 4:

"My fellow prisoners, tonight, the 14th of September, marks a special day in our nation's history. I have become the new president of the united states because you voted for me and sent me wreaths. But I have decided to suspend my presidency due to reasons of undisclosed exposure. I am taking up soccer, because if David Beckman can do it, so can I.

My priorities are soccer first, president second. I must warn you that we will not even have a president until I am done with my soccer career.

This is not as bad as it sounds. My friends, I am propostulating a new housing stimulus plan. My friends, this new plan will end all spam, even the Thanksgiving kind, and get our economy moving again!

My friends, even though government regular Caroline Palin, who also goes by Cleopatra Schwartz, is our new Vice President, she will also be playing soccer with me. Remember, she is a hockey mom. Thus she will be unable to serve as president in my absess.

Thank you again for choosing me to become the next U.S resident. I do not know when I will resume these duties because my infatuation with soccer is unique. I could be playing forever, in which case my presidency will be suspended forever. For now, I can be found at the in the sporting goods section of Big 5 or Ralphs picking out my soccer straps. I will also buy a headband to reduce forehead persperation. Thank you."

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