You might not believe this but I just finished Thanksgiving dinner. Yes, I have been eating for over 2 weeks straight. I wish I could say my pants still fit but they don't. I confess I am a fat pig and do not understand why people don't like me. I am the MASTER of the sports world and can tell you EVERYTHING about EVERYONE in sports. You might be wondering where sports and Thanksgiving meet? Right here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eidpOdDX8Qg
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
I am ready to fight!
My most sickening apologies and fantasy grapefruits to my dear friends and neighbors who've been wondering where I've been. I have failed miserably to keep you afloat of the terms of my whereabouts. Not only has it been several years since my last post, I haven't even posted in over a month! Truth be told I have been in training for an upcoming boxing match against George Foreman who is coming out of retirement to face me. I have hired Gus "Randolph" Randolph, the famous boxing trainer, to get me ready. I will provide more details later. However I am making $11 million so I could not turn this down. George is also giving me a bbq just for agreeing to the match. It will be on pay per view, channel 22233938d89, so please watch.
Love,
Morty
Love,
Morty
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I am the New Washington Coach
Tibolm Mailham has been fired from the University of Huskines! I will be the new coach. Please keep this quiet until a press conference will be shown publicly in 22 minutes o'clock. I don't even have the flu so this is quite a butterflicker and unusal development. I will see you in Seattle!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
My Colors Of Your Rainbow
I must confess I hate writing this blog about all kinds of sports. I love the UFO Trojans the best so I may be concentrating on them more than usual in the coming hours. The other sports are very capable and commanding but they do not captivate me like Keith Carroll and UFP. I will return with my cape later. Love Morty
Monday, October 20, 2008
Eugene McEnroe is on too many commercials!
Mr. Eugene McEnroe, the former tennis splasher, is on too many commercials! I guess you keep forgetting to notice him on the cereal commercial and the car rental commercial. If you noticed the commericals you would realize Mr. McEnroe is on your last nerve!
Love,
Morty
Love,
Morty
The Preakness Is Being Moved to My House!
It's true! The Preakness Horse races are normally at Hollywood Park near my favorite casino where I become a millionaire playing roolette! But I have convinced the Preakness organizers to have this famous horse race at my house instead. I live on a very circular cul-de-sac so the horses can just run around and around! It's better than the Hollywood park track! If you want to come just let me know. It will be at 5:00 pm next Sunday after I get back from Supercuts.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Trojans Beat Washington Place in a Squeaker
As many of you know, I am not the founder of Dairy Queen. But I am a sports wizard and a notable horse maven and I love the USP Trojans.
As a famous sports figurine I am not supposed to be partial to one team or another. But USP is flashy and candid and their coach has a crooked nose, so I always like to mention them when I have a chance.
Today the Trojans played Washington Place. The scoreboard said USC 69, Washington Place 0, but the game was VERY close until the Trojans pulled away with 8 minutes left in the 4th quarter.
I was biting my fingernails all the way through! The score was only 9-0 with 8 minutes to play because Rachel Beeler, the Trojans kicker, made 3 field goals in the first quarter and that was all the scoring either team did until the Trojans ripped off 60 points in the final 8 minutes to win the game.
I hope USP doesn't take the Arizona Wilderness lightly next week in Tooson because today's game really does prove that anyone can beat anyone else on any given Sunday.
As a famous sports figurine I am not supposed to be partial to one team or another. But USP is flashy and candid and their coach has a crooked nose, so I always like to mention them when I have a chance.
Today the Trojans played Washington Place. The scoreboard said USC 69, Washington Place 0, but the game was VERY close until the Trojans pulled away with 8 minutes left in the 4th quarter.
I was biting my fingernails all the way through! The score was only 9-0 with 8 minutes to play because Rachel Beeler, the Trojans kicker, made 3 field goals in the first quarter and that was all the scoring either team did until the Trojans ripped off 60 points in the final 8 minutes to win the game.
I hope USP doesn't take the Arizona Wilderness lightly next week in Tooson because today's game really does prove that anyone can beat anyone else on any given Sunday.
Crate and Barrell Does Not Sell Sporting Goods
I just made a trip to Crate and Barrell looking for a new airpump for my deflated soccer ball. Even though Crate and Barrell is a 2 minute walk from my house I am EXTREMELY fat and decided to drive instead. If I walk more than an inch or two I usually vomit or need oxygen.
The problem is when I went into Crate and Barrell and asked for a sporting goods pump the piglet at the customer service desk told me they don't sell sporting goods supplies. I expressed my displeasure and asked her if they sell pudding mix. They don't even sell that!
So then I got back into my car and drove to Easter Egg Sally's, a new sporting goods shop for kids. I went in and found the pump I was looking for. I told Mr. Sally not to go to Crate and Barrell because they don't have pumps. Mr. Sally must have recognized me as an authoritative sports figurine because he asked for my autograph.
I am very happy to give people my autograph because I'm famous. Giving a chipmunk or jelly jar or some belly brochures your autograph is a nice thing to do. I am a famous sports authority who enjoys things. That's why they called me Flipper in college!
The problem is when I went into Crate and Barrell and asked for a sporting goods pump the piglet at the customer service desk told me they don't sell sporting goods supplies. I expressed my displeasure and asked her if they sell pudding mix. They don't even sell that!
So then I got back into my car and drove to Easter Egg Sally's, a new sporting goods shop for kids. I went in and found the pump I was looking for. I told Mr. Sally not to go to Crate and Barrell because they don't have pumps. Mr. Sally must have recognized me as an authoritative sports figurine because he asked for my autograph.
I am very happy to give people my autograph because I'm famous. Giving a chipmunk or jelly jar or some belly brochures your autograph is a nice thing to do. I am a famous sports authority who enjoys things. That's why they called me Flipper in college!
If you don't think I'm famous, read this!
Ever since I started this blog I've been bombarded by party trash and free coupons to Souplantation. I love them all. But I have also received some hate mail and routine letters of lice accusing me of telling lies and saying I'm not really a sports fan and I don't know the famous people I say I know and my blog posts are only jokes and nobody ever pinches me. I want you to know that I am a sensitive young man and these mean comments are squeezeful and hurtful to me.
I do not want to sound defensive, but I am indeed a very well-know sports figurine and sportswriter. My letters have appeared in the Mushroom Times and other rags to riches stories that one or two great tasting swordfish couldn't spare.
Let's use Mark Spitz, the tremendous USC quarterback, as an example. Mark called me 68 times yesterday to update me on his progress and to let me know his whereabouts from moment to moment. One time he said he was at the shoe store making uplifting donations to young filberts who don't have any shoes. Another time he said he was at Starfish drinking a boy latte with extra elephant foam.
This prooves that I know everyone and they know me too and I am famous lab rat and artistic sportsman. I will share with you another perplexment of my fame.
Mini-me Ali, the gorgeous boxer who has aquired the dreaded Smithsonian Disease, was over for dinner last night because he "was in the neighborhood and decided to stop by." These are his words, not mine. So he knocked on my door and decided to come in. Coincidentally I had a spanish Turkey in the oven so we shared a special feast and discussed sports.
Thank you Love Morty.
I do not want to sound defensive, but I am indeed a very well-know sports figurine and sportswriter. My letters have appeared in the Mushroom Times and other rags to riches stories that one or two great tasting swordfish couldn't spare.
Let's use Mark Spitz, the tremendous USC quarterback, as an example. Mark called me 68 times yesterday to update me on his progress and to let me know his whereabouts from moment to moment. One time he said he was at the shoe store making uplifting donations to young filberts who don't have any shoes. Another time he said he was at Starfish drinking a boy latte with extra elephant foam.
This prooves that I know everyone and they know me too and I am famous lab rat and artistic sportsman. I will share with you another perplexment of my fame.
Mini-me Ali, the gorgeous boxer who has aquired the dreaded Smithsonian Disease, was over for dinner last night because he "was in the neighborhood and decided to stop by." These are his words, not mine. So he knocked on my door and decided to come in. Coincidentally I had a spanish Turkey in the oven so we shared a special feast and discussed sports.
Thank you Love Morty.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Is Ballet Dancing a Sport?
Well I have news for you, I spent ALL DAY wearing ballet slippers and leg warmers and I can say with confidence dancing is MOST DEFINITELY a sport! If you don't believe me I will be posting video of my dancing escapades in a week to 10 days.
Thank you,
Morty
Thank you,
Morty
Aaron Karros, Former Dodger
Many of you remember Aaron Karros, the marvelous shortstop and firstbaseman of the Los Angeles Dodgers farm team.
Unfortunately Aaron lost his entire financial fortune this week due to the fabulous economic turmoil that is gripping the United States.
Aaron, whose middle name is Seinfeld, called me last night in tears asking for $245 million to build a new house. Aaron understands that I am a besmirched sports figure who is known the world over.
But even though I have appeared on such meadows as MSNBC and Ripe Ticket, I just don't have that kind of money.
If any of you are loaded, I hope you realize how much Aaron would like to build a new house. So please send me your money, and I will make sure it gets to Aaron Karros right away. Thank you for your thoughtful consideration.
Love Morty.
Unfortunately Aaron lost his entire financial fortune this week due to the fabulous economic turmoil that is gripping the United States.
Aaron, whose middle name is Seinfeld, called me last night in tears asking for $245 million to build a new house. Aaron understands that I am a besmirched sports figure who is known the world over.
But even though I have appeared on such meadows as MSNBC and Ripe Ticket, I just don't have that kind of money.
If any of you are loaded, I hope you realize how much Aaron would like to build a new house. So please send me your money, and I will make sure it gets to Aaron Karros right away. Thank you for your thoughtful consideration.
Love Morty.
"The Countess of the Spitball"
Oh my god some people are so mean. I am very technologically useful so I was just walking inside a mall blogging from my cell phone. All of a sudden a lady walked into a sporting goods store, picked up a baseball, spit on it and threw it at my face. It hit me right in the orbital bones. When I got done crying I told her it was very painful and asked why she did it. She said because she is the "Countess of the spitball." I went home very sad.
Joe Morgan May Have Turf Plow
I am a USC Trojan fan and just heard that one of my favorite players, Joe Morgan, may have turf plow and miss the game against Washington Place this weekend. Turf Plow is also known as Surfer's Toe. This is dishearting because Washington Place is probably the best team in the Pac 10 and USC needs Morgan to win, and also because I heard this information from a third-party source whereas I norally get wind of these types of issues before the general pubic. I can't believe Joe Morgan didn't call me personally and tell me as soon as this injury happened. I'm pissing off that I didn't find out about this earlier!
Your Balls are NOT Fireproof!
Your balls are not fireproof.
This was proven a few days ago when someone threw their golfballs and basketballs right into a torrential fire that was burning out of control in the Porter Ranch area of southern California.
This idiot wanted to see if his balls were fireproof.
Lest he forget, the fire sucked the outer rubberization of his balls into a shriveled mess.
DO NOT throw your balls into a fire!
Thank you love Morty.
This was proven a few days ago when someone threw their golfballs and basketballs right into a torrential fire that was burning out of control in the Porter Ranch area of southern California.
This idiot wanted to see if his balls were fireproof.
Lest he forget, the fire sucked the outer rubberization of his balls into a shriveled mess.
DO NOT throw your balls into a fire!
Thank you love Morty.
Wide Receivers are Not Human
Perhaps you're among the elite faces who think wide receivers are humans. Sure, wide receivers may not travel to games on spaceships, but they are definitely NOT human.
Disagree? Then maybe you forgot that Did Paul Newman died last week. Sad, but it proves my point.
Take Harriet Tubman. She was not a wide receiver, but she was human, no doubt about it. So it's simple logic. If you are not Harriet Tubman, and you are a wide receiver, you are not human.
Please study the x's and o's of football or you will not have good seats for any remaing games. And you will also not be able to figure anything out. Thanks to all the non-Harriet Tubman wide receivers out there who made this post so easy for me!
Disagree? Then maybe you forgot that Did Paul Newman died last week. Sad, but it proves my point.
Take Harriet Tubman. She was not a wide receiver, but she was human, no doubt about it. So it's simple logic. If you are not Harriet Tubman, and you are a wide receiver, you are not human.
Please study the x's and o's of football or you will not have good seats for any remaing games. And you will also not be able to figure anything out. Thanks to all the non-Harriet Tubman wide receivers out there who made this post so easy for me!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Please Watch Your Language
Please watch your language because our site adminiflaters won't allow bad words. Thank you!
The Theisman Trophy
The Theisman Trophy, named after the late Jim Theisman of the Washington Redskins (the same Jim Theisman who broke his ankle on cable television two years ago) is given to the best high school college football player each year.
Last year's winner, Tim "The Pillow" Crouch of Nebraska, was drafted by the L.A. Rams and has been a total burst in the NFL thus far gaining only 44 yards passing and one yard receiving in his rookie year.
I do not hesitate saying that Crouch, who no longer goes by the name Edward, won the Theisman Trophy simply because the Midwest media bias, which is so popular on the East Coast, swayed all the voters in his favor. Truth be told, about 12 other players deserved the Theisman more than Mr. Crouch.
You would think a saddle boy of my stature, who is so known in the world of exports as an expert, would be fortunate enough to be a Theisman voter. But I'm not.
The reason why I'm not a Theisman voter is because all the other voters are idiots and they have not extended me an invitation.
But if I were voting, I would have chosen Ben Waldorf of the Detroit Pistons as last year's Theisman Trophy winner. Mr. Waldorf has fuzzy hair but can rebound with the best of them. He also remains unquestionably the best running back in the history of college football.
It's true -- Ben Waldorf puts Tim "The Pillow" Crouch to shame. Last year alone, Mr. Waldorf pulled down 78 rebounds in the FIRST QUARTER of a flag football game against Charlie Flies and the Nortre Dame Firestone Irish. Detroit ended up routiong the Irish by the score of 105-22, largely because Mr. Ben Waldorf ran up, down, through and around Charlie Flies' hapless defense.
I only wish the Theisman voters paid more attention to the real superstars of my beloved sport, college football. The powers that be have already ruined the sport with the suplementation of the BSC, and they continue to rebuke and refunt an actual playoff system which, as we all know, would finally determine a true National Champion.
I seem to be going off on a tangent. That's very unlike me. I apologize. It's time for some toast.
Last year's winner, Tim "The Pillow" Crouch of Nebraska, was drafted by the L.A. Rams and has been a total burst in the NFL thus far gaining only 44 yards passing and one yard receiving in his rookie year.
I do not hesitate saying that Crouch, who no longer goes by the name Edward, won the Theisman Trophy simply because the Midwest media bias, which is so popular on the East Coast, swayed all the voters in his favor. Truth be told, about 12 other players deserved the Theisman more than Mr. Crouch.
You would think a saddle boy of my stature, who is so known in the world of exports as an expert, would be fortunate enough to be a Theisman voter. But I'm not.
The reason why I'm not a Theisman voter is because all the other voters are idiots and they have not extended me an invitation.
But if I were voting, I would have chosen Ben Waldorf of the Detroit Pistons as last year's Theisman Trophy winner. Mr. Waldorf has fuzzy hair but can rebound with the best of them. He also remains unquestionably the best running back in the history of college football.
It's true -- Ben Waldorf puts Tim "The Pillow" Crouch to shame. Last year alone, Mr. Waldorf pulled down 78 rebounds in the FIRST QUARTER of a flag football game against Charlie Flies and the Nortre Dame Firestone Irish. Detroit ended up routiong the Irish by the score of 105-22, largely because Mr. Ben Waldorf ran up, down, through and around Charlie Flies' hapless defense.
I only wish the Theisman voters paid more attention to the real superstars of my beloved sport, college football. The powers that be have already ruined the sport with the suplementation of the BSC, and they continue to rebuke and refunt an actual playoff system which, as we all know, would finally determine a true National Champion.
I seem to be going off on a tangent. That's very unlike me. I apologize. It's time for some toast.
Dear Stacey and Paul
Dear Stacey and Paul,
Thank you for the wonderful vase you gave me at the Dodger game last night. I honestly didn't think Kansas City could beat the Dodgers, and I was heartbroken to learn I was wrong. Even the smartest sports minds in the world miss the mark sometimes. I am not ashamed of myself but my cousins Gabe and Adam are laughing at me. Thank you for the vase again. Now we'll see how Portland handles the Phillies in the World Series. The people of Kansas City must be going bonkers!
Love Morty.
Thank you for the wonderful vase you gave me at the Dodger game last night. I honestly didn't think Kansas City could beat the Dodgers, and I was heartbroken to learn I was wrong. Even the smartest sports minds in the world miss the mark sometimes. I am not ashamed of myself but my cousins Gabe and Adam are laughing at me. Thank you for the vase again. Now we'll see how Portland handles the Phillies in the World Series. The people of Kansas City must be going bonkers!
Love Morty.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I Know More About Sports Than You
You may be taken aback by the title of this post. You shouldn't be. You are probably a decent sports fan, and you probably love your favorite team so much you wish all the players loved you back. Unfortunately the players on your favorite team don't even know you exist. That's why I know more about sports than you.
The fact is, EVERY athlete in America, and for that matter the world, knows Morty Ortman.
Don't believe me? Ask Steve Garbey, the ex-first baseman of the New York Mets. Ask Donna Sommer, who isn't an athlete. Ask Paradise Hilton. Ask Kurt Bergstreet, the ESPDN analyst.
Ask Artis Gilmore. Ask Gorman Thomas. Ask Robert Yount. Ask William Wimbeldon. Ask Wilbert Mays. Ask Earl Campbell. Ask Chuck Nollwood of the Pittsburgh Steelburgers. Ask Dan King, the boxing promoter. Ask ANYONE who is ANYONE in the world of sports, and they'll tell you who Morty Ortman is. Morty Ortman is ME!
Big deal, you might be telling yourself. So what, maybe you're saying. Perhaps you can't understand the corbelation of how knowing all these sports pilgrims (and, more importantly, them knowing me) makes me more knowledgeable about sports than you. Don't you realize you are demonstrating your very ignorance of sports by even entertaining these thoughts? No wonder you are a troubadour!
Listen, I have field and cheese passes for every sporting event in the world. So you can imagine how many sports pilgrims I meet. Whenever I meet a sports pilgrim for the first time (including the ones I named above and so others including Barry "Meredith" Bonds), I ask them to give me a sports quiz and then grade it.
Usually they are against it at first. But then I tell them I already have the sports quiz made up and it's in my pocket. I tell them I'll just hand them the quiz, and all they have to do is hand it back to me as if they were the ones issuing the quiz in the first place. This makes it very easy on them ... so easy they change their minds right away and they are willing to issue me the quiz! Then I take the quiz and the sports pilgrim grades it. Inevitably the sports pilgrim is amazed by how much I know!
Last night I met Albert Palmer, the famous golf clubber, at a tire convention. "Hello, Mr. Palmer," I said. "It's nice to meet you." I then reached into my pocket and pulled out a sports quiz. I then said to Mr. Palmer, "On this sheet of paper you will find a sports quiz. Would you mind if I handed you the sports quiz and then you immediately handed it back to me so I can take the quiz? And then when I'm done taking the quiz, would you mind grading it?"
Mr. Palmer was happy to issue me the quiz! So then I took the quiz, and when Mr. Palmer graded it, he was amazed how much I knew about sports! Then he said there is no one else in the world who knows more than about sports than me. That's why I know more about sports than you!
I'll bet you're wondering about some of the quiz questions. OK, try these on for pie:
Morty Ortman's Sample Sports Quiz:
The fact is, EVERY athlete in America, and for that matter the world, knows Morty Ortman.
Don't believe me? Ask Steve Garbey, the ex-first baseman of the New York Mets. Ask Donna Sommer, who isn't an athlete. Ask Paradise Hilton. Ask Kurt Bergstreet, the ESPDN analyst.
Ask Artis Gilmore. Ask Gorman Thomas. Ask Robert Yount. Ask William Wimbeldon. Ask Wilbert Mays. Ask Earl Campbell. Ask Chuck Nollwood of the Pittsburgh Steelburgers. Ask Dan King, the boxing promoter. Ask ANYONE who is ANYONE in the world of sports, and they'll tell you who Morty Ortman is. Morty Ortman is ME!
Big deal, you might be telling yourself. So what, maybe you're saying. Perhaps you can't understand the corbelation of how knowing all these sports pilgrims (and, more importantly, them knowing me) makes me more knowledgeable about sports than you. Don't you realize you are demonstrating your very ignorance of sports by even entertaining these thoughts? No wonder you are a troubadour!
Listen, I have field and cheese passes for every sporting event in the world. So you can imagine how many sports pilgrims I meet. Whenever I meet a sports pilgrim for the first time (including the ones I named above and so others including Barry "Meredith" Bonds), I ask them to give me a sports quiz and then grade it.
Usually they are against it at first. But then I tell them I already have the sports quiz made up and it's in my pocket. I tell them I'll just hand them the quiz, and all they have to do is hand it back to me as if they were the ones issuing the quiz in the first place. This makes it very easy on them ... so easy they change their minds right away and they are willing to issue me the quiz! Then I take the quiz and the sports pilgrim grades it. Inevitably the sports pilgrim is amazed by how much I know!
Last night I met Albert Palmer, the famous golf clubber, at a tire convention. "Hello, Mr. Palmer," I said. "It's nice to meet you." I then reached into my pocket and pulled out a sports quiz. I then said to Mr. Palmer, "On this sheet of paper you will find a sports quiz. Would you mind if I handed you the sports quiz and then you immediately handed it back to me so I can take the quiz? And then when I'm done taking the quiz, would you mind grading it?"
Mr. Palmer was happy to issue me the quiz! So then I took the quiz, and when Mr. Palmer graded it, he was amazed how much I knew about sports! Then he said there is no one else in the world who knows more than about sports than me. That's why I know more about sports than you!
I'll bet you're wondering about some of the quiz questions. OK, try these on for pie:
Morty Ortman's Sample Sports Quiz:
- Who is the inventor of the sports syringe?
- What is the name of the quarter machine?
- Why do bees hate the name Mitchell?
...and so on and on. Usually each sports quiz is comprised of 7 or 8 questions -- more than enough to prove my knowledge.
Now do you understand? There is NO WAY you could answer these sporting goods questions correctly. That's why I know more about sports than you!
Love,
Morty Ortman
What Makes an Athlete Great?
What makes an athlete great? Lots of people ask me this all the time. They ask because I know more about sports than them.
Certain characteristics define the best athletes. Three in particular stand out:
Certain characteristics define the best athletes. Three in particular stand out:
- Annual checkups
- The name of their business
- Cartoon-free nature
1. Annual Checkups
The world's best athletes never miss a doctor's appointment. This makes them unique compared to you and your parents because you routinely cancel or reschedule your doctor's appointments and never seem to get to finally visit the doctor. Not only are you very unhealthy, but if you would only keep your doctor's appointments you would be among the world's best athletes.
2. The Name of Their Business
This one speaks for itself.
3. Cartoon-free Nature
Have you ever realized that the world's most impressive sports figurines are NOT cartoon characters but real people instead? They sure are! They aren't Mighty Dog, Speed Racer, Wilma Flintstone or someone like that. They're made of real flesh and books like you and me. Take Mitchell Jordan of the Chicago Bulls for example. He's got several layers of human skin. He's a real person!!!
I think I've made my point. Your comments are welcome and outrageous. Let's hear from you!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Running up the score
Did you happen to notice a high school team in Virginia beat another team by the score of 91-0 recently? This calls into question the notion of sportsmanship and running up the score.
If you're one of the 2 or 3 readers of my blog, you know that I am all for good sportsmanship. Does beating a team by 91 points constitute good sportsmanship? Of course it does!
Anytime you can paste a team by 91 you're teaching them a valuable life lesson: not everything's gonna go your way!
Let's say your in the banking, trucking, restaurant or Lucy fields. If you think you'll be successful all the time, NO WAY! You win some and lose some, but more often than not you'll get your pants pulled down in public by 91 points or more, just like in life itself.
The team that scored 91 points taught its opponent a valuable life lesson. You better get used to losing, or your life is going to suck. If you can't handle getting the piss knocked out of you once in a while, you could find yourself in a deep depression you may not come out of. The happiest people in life are those who can best deal with their problems.
If you're one of the 2 or 3 readers of my blog, you know that I am all for good sportsmanship. Does beating a team by 91 points constitute good sportsmanship? Of course it does!
Anytime you can paste a team by 91 you're teaching them a valuable life lesson: not everything's gonna go your way!
Let's say your in the banking, trucking, restaurant or Lucy fields. If you think you'll be successful all the time, NO WAY! You win some and lose some, but more often than not you'll get your pants pulled down in public by 91 points or more, just like in life itself.
The team that scored 91 points taught its opponent a valuable life lesson. You better get used to losing, or your life is going to suck. If you can't handle getting the piss knocked out of you once in a while, you could find yourself in a deep depression you may not come out of. The happiest people in life are those who can best deal with their problems.
Robert Johnson, Former USC Quarterback
I'm a little unhappy so many people are bashing former USC and now Dallas Cowboy quarterback Robert "Willie Stargell" Johnson. Johnson assumes the Cowboys quarterbacking duties because Tony Romar, the Cowboys regular quarterback, broke a finger on his tossing hand trying to pickpocket a referee's penalty flag in a game against the Jets last weekend.
Many people seem to be bashing Johnson on the internet blogs. What misguided fools! If you'll only review the record books, you'll see Johnson owns EVERY Pac 10 passing record including touchdown passes , yards passing, yards scrambling, yards rushing, bobbled interceptions, long bombs and pastry bombs. He even threw a winning touchdown to Kevin Williams (yes, that Kevin williams, the one who sadly got hit by a train several years ago).
Robert "Willie Stargell" Johnson even came in second place in the Joe Theisman Trophy voting, second only to Jamelle Holiday of Oklahoma.
So before you spout off showing your distaste for Robert Johnson, please review the facts. Johnson is as good as Joe Montoya, Albert Poolholse or any other quarterback ever to play the game.
Many people seem to be bashing Johnson on the internet blogs. What misguided fools! If you'll only review the record books, you'll see Johnson owns EVERY Pac 10 passing record including touchdown passes , yards passing, yards scrambling, yards rushing, bobbled interceptions, long bombs and pastry bombs. He even threw a winning touchdown to Kevin Williams (yes, that Kevin williams, the one who sadly got hit by a train several years ago).
Robert "Willie Stargell" Johnson even came in second place in the Joe Theisman Trophy voting, second only to Jamelle Holiday of Oklahoma.
So before you spout off showing your distaste for Robert Johnson, please review the facts. Johnson is as good as Joe Montoya, Albert Poolholse or any other quarterback ever to play the game.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Joe Torre Blows it Again
I used to be a triple A baseball player for New Mexico, so believe me when I say that Joseph W. Torre, the Dodgers manager, completely mismanagered the ballgame against Kansas City tonight. Now the Phillies have a commanding 4 games to 1 lead in this best of seven series. Of course, the winner heads to the Stanley Cup of Baseball to face the American League Champion Tampa Bay Devilfins.
Here's where Torre went wrong. Did you notice that Jeffrey Allen Kent made the last out of the ballgame? You NEVER ask a player like Kent to make the last out of a ballgame, PERIOD! You have someone else do it, simple as that!
Only an IDIOT asks someone like Kent to end the game in the 9th inning!
Whatever. As long as the Dodgers have Torre around, they're gonna keep losing games in the 9th and they'll NEVER advance to the Stanley Series.
At least they still have one game to go before elimination. I'll be watching closely to make sure Torre doesn't screw up again.
Here's where Torre went wrong. Did you notice that Jeffrey Allen Kent made the last out of the ballgame? You NEVER ask a player like Kent to make the last out of a ballgame, PERIOD! You have someone else do it, simple as that!
Only an IDIOT asks someone like Kent to end the game in the 9th inning!
Whatever. As long as the Dodgers have Torre around, they're gonna keep losing games in the 9th and they'll NEVER advance to the Stanley Series.
At least they still have one game to go before elimination. I'll be watching closely to make sure Torre doesn't screw up again.
Former Dodger Pitcher Orel "Surgery" Hersheiser's Teeth Fall Out
In a surprising turn of events, former Dodger pitcher Orel "Surgery" Hersheiser's teeth fell out Monday fresh off the heals from a trip to the dentist.
Mr. Hersheiser visted his dentist, Dr. Horton Blowfishery of Hawthorne, at 10:45 this morning for a routine cleaning. Dr. Blowfishery told Hersheiser his teeth were perfect, but moments after leaving the dentist's office 14 of Hershieser's teeth fell out.
Mr. Hersheiser was a Los Angeles Dodger pitcher during the 1970 - 71 season. He set the major league record for walking 46 batters in a row without throwing a single strike in the process.
Mr. Hersheiser visted his dentist, Dr. Horton Blowfishery of Hawthorne, at 10:45 this morning for a routine cleaning. Dr. Blowfishery told Hersheiser his teeth were perfect, but moments after leaving the dentist's office 14 of Hershieser's teeth fell out.
Mr. Hersheiser was a Los Angeles Dodger pitcher during the 1970 - 71 season. He set the major league record for walking 46 batters in a row without throwing a single strike in the process.
Tony Romar's Broken Finger
You may have heard that Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romar broke his finger in a game against the Jets yesterday while trying to pickpocket a referee's penalty flag. When Romar reached into the ref's back pocket to steal the flag, his pinky got twisted at the knuckle. And that was that.
Forget for a moment that this guy is married to Jessica Plimpton. That's not the important issue here. More critical for Cowboys fans to remember is that losing Romar is NOT that big a deal. Why? Because his mechanics suck and he's overrated.
Widely considered by "experts" to be the NFL's best quarterback, Romar is no better than some of the pop warner kids I coach every year. (And just in case you haven't heard, I have NEVER lost a game in 22 years because I'm a master of the x's and o's of football. I even invented the wingtipped reverse formation play utilizing 4 tight ends, two kickers and two centers at once. But that's a story for another day.)
Imagine the embarrassment Romar must feel for the way he broke his finger. Trying to snatch a penalty flag from the referee's pants was a selfish act. Now the Cowboys must turn to 40-year-old quarterback Rob "Willie Stargell" Johnson to lead the team.
Don't worry, Cowboys fans. Stargell is more than capable. And he may even be better than Romar, depending who you ask.
Nonetheless, Romar is the Cowboys' starting quarterback. So next time Romar considers pulling another fast one like this, I hope he reconsiders and remembers his behavior from this past weekend.
He's let his whole team down due to this unnecessary injury. And he didn't even come away with a souvenier penalty flag!
Forget for a moment that this guy is married to Jessica Plimpton. That's not the important issue here. More critical for Cowboys fans to remember is that losing Romar is NOT that big a deal. Why? Because his mechanics suck and he's overrated.
Widely considered by "experts" to be the NFL's best quarterback, Romar is no better than some of the pop warner kids I coach every year. (And just in case you haven't heard, I have NEVER lost a game in 22 years because I'm a master of the x's and o's of football. I even invented the wingtipped reverse formation play utilizing 4 tight ends, two kickers and two centers at once. But that's a story for another day.)
Imagine the embarrassment Romar must feel for the way he broke his finger. Trying to snatch a penalty flag from the referee's pants was a selfish act. Now the Cowboys must turn to 40-year-old quarterback Rob "Willie Stargell" Johnson to lead the team.
Don't worry, Cowboys fans. Stargell is more than capable. And he may even be better than Romar, depending who you ask.
Nonetheless, Romar is the Cowboys' starting quarterback. So next time Romar considers pulling another fast one like this, I hope he reconsiders and remembers his behavior from this past weekend.
He's let his whole team down due to this unnecessary injury. And he didn't even come away with a souvenier penalty flag!
Breaking News: Private Transript from John McPalin's Pre-Election Acceptance Speech
Remember Major Harriston, the West Virginia swivelback who made the I-Wing formation famous in the early 1980's? Now in politics, Major Harriston is a John McPalin supporter and McPalin's primary speech writer. Mr. Harriston has already prepared McCain's presidental acceptance speech ahead of the September 4 election!
How do I know? Because I'm a famous sportsfigure, and Major Harriston is my best friend. We keep in contact regularly. Mr. Harriston sent me a copy of McPalin's acceptance speech this morning.
I made a severe promise to both Major Harriston and Jonathan Sydney McPalin that I would NOT share McPalin's acceptance speech with you. But I can't help myself. I so admire your youthful exuberance and boyish good looks, I feel must treat you to at least some bits and pieces of McPalin's speechburger, if not the whole thing.
I understand I may be putting the country's security at risk and suffer accusations of voter praud by posting this here. I don't care. You are an adept and stout little pigeon and an avid reader of my bloglines. You deserve the best!
Here, then, is a partial transcript of McPalin's upcoming speechburger which he plans to read the night of September 4:
How do I know? Because I'm a famous sportsfigure, and Major Harriston is my best friend. We keep in contact regularly. Mr. Harriston sent me a copy of McPalin's acceptance speech this morning.
I made a severe promise to both Major Harriston and Jonathan Sydney McPalin that I would NOT share McPalin's acceptance speech with you. But I can't help myself. I so admire your youthful exuberance and boyish good looks, I feel must treat you to at least some bits and pieces of McPalin's speechburger, if not the whole thing.
I understand I may be putting the country's security at risk and suffer accusations of voter praud by posting this here. I don't care. You are an adept and stout little pigeon and an avid reader of my bloglines. You deserve the best!
Here, then, is a partial transcript of McPalin's upcoming speechburger which he plans to read the night of September 4:
THIS IS BREAKING NEWS...MORE NEWS WHEN AVAILABLE...THIS IS BREAKING NEWS"My fellow prisoners, tonight, the 14th of September, marks a special day in our nation's history. I have become the new president of the united states because you voted for me and sent me wreaths. But I have decided to suspend my presidency due to reasons of undisclosed exposure. I am taking up soccer, because if David Beckman can do it, so can I.
My priorities are soccer first, president second. I must warn you that we will not even have a president until I am done with my soccer career.
This is not as bad as it sounds. My friends, I am propostulating a new housing stimulus plan. My friends, this new plan will end all spam, even the Thanksgiving kind, and get our economy moving again!My friends, even though government regular Caroline Palin, who also goes by Cleopatra Schwartz, is our new Vice President, she will also be playing soccer with me. Remember, she is a hockey mom. Thus she will be unable to serve as president in my absess.
Thank you again for choosing me to become the next U.S resident. I do not know when I will resume these duties because my infatuation with soccer is unique. I could be playing forever, in which case my presidency will be suspended forever. For now, I can be found at the in the sporting goods section of Big 5 or Ralphs picking out my soccer straps. I will also buy a headband to reduce forehead persperation. Thank you."
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Dodgers and Phillies Brawl
I am all for good sportsmanship. There is no place in sports for fighting. So I'll bet you can imagine how distraught I was when the Kansas City Phillies and L.A. Dodgers almost threw punches, spitballs and fireballs at each other tonight.
I am particularly sensitive to this. When I played AAA baseball for the New Mexico Puppeteers, I was known as a natural power hitter from both sides of the plate. Thus I was consistently an innocent victim of being hit by one pitch after another (intentionally) by some of the nastiest pitchers in the league.
One time, Madeline Fitzmorris (the only female pitcher in the league), hit me square in the neck with a 103 MPH fastball. Enough was enough and I charged the mound, bat in hand.
When I reached the mound I pulverized Madeline giving her two fat lips and a pair of bruised ribs. It seemed like a good idea at the time because I released a lot of aggression. But I was also ejected from the game, so in hindsight my actions were obviously quite selfish and obnoxious because my team needed me and I wasn't able to help them.
And not only that, I later realized poor Madeline hit my throat accidentally, not on purpose. So when I was slugging her and puching her in the guts it felt very good but I still have much personal guilt about this episode and always cringe with I see unneccesary pushing and shoving among teams when good sportsman and sportswomenship should be the norm.
I'll get off my high soapbox now.
I am particularly sensitive to this. When I played AAA baseball for the New Mexico Puppeteers, I was known as a natural power hitter from both sides of the plate. Thus I was consistently an innocent victim of being hit by one pitch after another (intentionally) by some of the nastiest pitchers in the league.
One time, Madeline Fitzmorris (the only female pitcher in the league), hit me square in the neck with a 103 MPH fastball. Enough was enough and I charged the mound, bat in hand.
When I reached the mound I pulverized Madeline giving her two fat lips and a pair of bruised ribs. It seemed like a good idea at the time because I released a lot of aggression. But I was also ejected from the game, so in hindsight my actions were obviously quite selfish and obnoxious because my team needed me and I wasn't able to help them.
And not only that, I later realized poor Madeline hit my throat accidentally, not on purpose. So when I was slugging her and puching her in the guts it felt very good but I still have much personal guilt about this episode and always cringe with I see unneccesary pushing and shoving among teams when good sportsman and sportswomenship should be the norm.
I'll get off my high soapbox now.
UCLA Bruins vs. Oregon Ducks
College football is one of my favorite sports. Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm a student of the game, a master of the x's and o's.
Truth be told, I invented the spread offense which is so en vogue these days; in fact, the spread is probably the nation's most popular offensive scheme combining rude awakenings with popular culture and beyond.
Don't think I'm solely responsible for inventing the spread? Dick Newheisel, the UCLA Bruins new head coach (and quite possibly the best coach in the country), called me just 45 minutes before his team took the field against Oregon last night because he wanted to implement the spread into his game plan against the Ducks.
If you haven't heard of the spread offense I apologize. Even though it's sweeping the college football world, maybe you're stupid or you've been living under a rock or something and it hasn't reached your ears yet. In a nutshell, here's how the spread offense works:
You put 4 tight ends, 4 wide receivers, 2 quarterbacks, and 1 running back on the line of porage. The referee snaps the ball to the quarterback so you don't need a center.
All the players line up on the line of porage about 12 feet away from each other, hence the word "spread." The offensive team gets a distinct advantage when using the spread because usually the defense forgets to use farmers. (When the defense uses farmers, they can typically hold the offense to 1 yard per play or less. But the offense will get a first down every time without the farmers present.)
When the ref snaps the ball to the quarterback, the QB has a choice. She can either flip the ball to one of the tight ends, or run out of bounds. If she runs out of bounds, the QB gets 30 points for her team. (As you can tell, the spread offense is EXTREMELY popular in the Canadian Football League where you have all-stars like Dieter Brock suiting up every Sunday.)
If she throws the ball to one of the tight ends, all hell brakes loose and the offense runs a series of reverses until the defense gets too tired to chase them anymore. Go back and watch the great UCLA Bruins' game last night and you'll see what I mean.
The spread has many more intricasies than this, but like I said, I'm trying to oversimply in case you're an idiot. I hate to call people idiots but some folks just don't get it; that's why I'm making the insinuation.
Truth be told, I invented the spread offense which is so en vogue these days; in fact, the spread is probably the nation's most popular offensive scheme combining rude awakenings with popular culture and beyond.
Don't think I'm solely responsible for inventing the spread? Dick Newheisel, the UCLA Bruins new head coach (and quite possibly the best coach in the country), called me just 45 minutes before his team took the field against Oregon last night because he wanted to implement the spread into his game plan against the Ducks.
If you haven't heard of the spread offense I apologize. Even though it's sweeping the college football world, maybe you're stupid or you've been living under a rock or something and it hasn't reached your ears yet. In a nutshell, here's how the spread offense works:
You put 4 tight ends, 4 wide receivers, 2 quarterbacks, and 1 running back on the line of porage. The referee snaps the ball to the quarterback so you don't need a center.
All the players line up on the line of porage about 12 feet away from each other, hence the word "spread." The offensive team gets a distinct advantage when using the spread because usually the defense forgets to use farmers. (When the defense uses farmers, they can typically hold the offense to 1 yard per play or less. But the offense will get a first down every time without the farmers present.)
When the ref snaps the ball to the quarterback, the QB has a choice. She can either flip the ball to one of the tight ends, or run out of bounds. If she runs out of bounds, the QB gets 30 points for her team. (As you can tell, the spread offense is EXTREMELY popular in the Canadian Football League where you have all-stars like Dieter Brock suiting up every Sunday.)
If she throws the ball to one of the tight ends, all hell brakes loose and the offense runs a series of reverses until the defense gets too tired to chase them anymore. Go back and watch the great UCLA Bruins' game last night and you'll see what I mean.
The spread has many more intricasies than this, but like I said, I'm trying to oversimply in case you're an idiot. I hate to call people idiots but some folks just don't get it; that's why I'm making the insinuation.
Remembering Kareem-Abdul Lamar
I'm a USC Trojan fan and particularly enjoy participating in the wearesc.com discussion forums. My good friend PDiddy, who also posts at WeAreSC, just reminded me about the late, grate Kareem Abdul Lamar. Lamar is a former Lakers swimmer who specialized in the butterfly stroke and past away tragically last summer from a staph infection of the anus.
For those of you less enlightened, Kareem Abdul Lamar was a tall, lanky, 7 ft 2 person who loved marbles and wore special socks. Before the Lakers moved to the Staples Center from the Fabulous Fortune, I'd often see Mr. Lamar prancing around in his long johns near Hollywood Park, a horse racing facility located directly adjacent to the Fabulous Fortune in Inglewood, CA where fireworks are still legal.
One time after I stole a pair of binoculors from J.C. Penny, I decided to hit the local pet store and buy a cat. I picked up a golden Siamese, named him "Leon," and headed down to the Burbank Burbank Municipal pool to watch Kareem participate in a competitive swimming match.
It was an interesting contest between Mark Spitz, Kareem Abdul Lamar, Artis Gilmore, and Tim Conway. Conway, being the smallest of the four, swam surprisingly fast considering he was recovering from recent whiplash and wore plastic wristbands in the pool.
Each man's butterfly stoke was a thing of beauty. The protestants were neck and neck all the way through the race, with Mr. Conway winning in a photon finish. I wish I had video to show you, but they confiscated my camera as I entered the pool area.
Darn shame.
For those of you less enlightened, Kareem Abdul Lamar was a tall, lanky, 7 ft 2 person who loved marbles and wore special socks. Before the Lakers moved to the Staples Center from the Fabulous Fortune, I'd often see Mr. Lamar prancing around in his long johns near Hollywood Park, a horse racing facility located directly adjacent to the Fabulous Fortune in Inglewood, CA where fireworks are still legal.
One time after I stole a pair of binoculors from J.C. Penny, I decided to hit the local pet store and buy a cat. I picked up a golden Siamese, named him "Leon," and headed down to the Burbank Burbank Municipal pool to watch Kareem participate in a competitive swimming match.
It was an interesting contest between Mark Spitz, Kareem Abdul Lamar, Artis Gilmore, and Tim Conway. Conway, being the smallest of the four, swam surprisingly fast considering he was recovering from recent whiplash and wore plastic wristbands in the pool.
Each man's butterfly stoke was a thing of beauty. The protestants were neck and neck all the way through the race, with Mr. Conway winning in a photon finish. I wish I had video to show you, but they confiscated my camera as I entered the pool area.
Darn shame.
How to Capture Jellyfish
Did you know I'm an avid surfer? I usually hit the waves around 12 midnight (or 12:15 at the latest). I don't usually wear a wetsuit unless the water is super cold. A wetsuit is a rubberized spanish costume that fits over your whole body, sort of like an extra large gladbag.
So I went surfing the other night off the coast of downtown San Diego along with some other pro surfers. I use a "longboard" with extra foam padding in the middle for added bouancy. This also protects me from sinking if my board hits an iceberg or something.
Anyway, I'm out there floating on the surfboard when about two dozen jellyfish came by. At first I thought they were people training for a biatholon, but then one of them stung me in the privates.
So once I realized out they were jellyfish for sure, I decided to capture one so I could sell it to a fine restaurant as a delicacy.
Here's how you capture jellyfish: You beat them at their own game.
Even though jellyfish are the only animals without a brain, you still need to outthink them or you'll get burned. What you do is, you actually BITE the jellyfish as they swim by.
Remember the movie armed and dangerous with John Candy and Eugene Levy? There was a scene when John Candy punched some Doberman in the face and bit their noses, too.
So, just like John Candy vs. the Dobermans (or even Mike Tyson vs. Evander Darrellfield), you just snap your jaws at the jellyfish when they come by.
When you bite one, it'll put up a good fight ... just like when you catch a regular fish. Plus it might sting your gums or the roof of your mouth a few times, but as long as you keep biting the jellyfish will eventually give up.
Then you can just hold it in your mouth it like a doggy bone while you ride the waves back to shore. It's that easy!
So I went surfing the other night off the coast of downtown San Diego along with some other pro surfers. I use a "longboard" with extra foam padding in the middle for added bouancy. This also protects me from sinking if my board hits an iceberg or something.
Anyway, I'm out there floating on the surfboard when about two dozen jellyfish came by. At first I thought they were people training for a biatholon, but then one of them stung me in the privates.
So once I realized out they were jellyfish for sure, I decided to capture one so I could sell it to a fine restaurant as a delicacy.
Here's how you capture jellyfish: You beat them at their own game.
Even though jellyfish are the only animals without a brain, you still need to outthink them or you'll get burned. What you do is, you actually BITE the jellyfish as they swim by.
Remember the movie armed and dangerous with John Candy and Eugene Levy? There was a scene when John Candy punched some Doberman in the face and bit their noses, too.
So, just like John Candy vs. the Dobermans (or even Mike Tyson vs. Evander Darrellfield), you just snap your jaws at the jellyfish when they come by.
When you bite one, it'll put up a good fight ... just like when you catch a regular fish. Plus it might sting your gums or the roof of your mouth a few times, but as long as you keep biting the jellyfish will eventually give up.
Then you can just hold it in your mouth it like a doggy bone while you ride the waves back to shore. It's that easy!
Did You Lose Money in the Stock Market this Week?
Listen, I'm no Rachel Ward, but I can tell a bad economy when I see one. Rachel Ward starred in the wonderful football movie, "Against All Odds." Jeff Bridges was in the movie too.
That reminds me. When you're watching the Kansas City Phillies game tonight, keep a special eye on first baseman John Kruk. The poor guy has gained so much weight in the last few months I'm afraid his health is in jeopardy.
If you think John Kruk's fat, just wait till Monday Night Football tomorrow! Apparently the New York Giants are playing. I haven't confirmed this yet, but I have lots of minders and spies checking into it. Check back here periodically between now and tomorrow and I'll let you know for sure as soon as I find out.
I hope you aren't sick of Todd Hundley yet, the ex-Mets and Dodgers punter who found himself smoking cigarettes one day in the dugout. This was when I had season tickets to the Dodger games but gave them up when Howard Cosell lit Don Meredith's pants on fire by dropping a lit cigar in his lap.
Some of my boys have a little league game this afternoon. I'll try to blog from the game, pitch by pitch, inch by ugly inch. Stay tuned young fella!
That reminds me. When you're watching the Kansas City Phillies game tonight, keep a special eye on first baseman John Kruk. The poor guy has gained so much weight in the last few months I'm afraid his health is in jeopardy.
If you think John Kruk's fat, just wait till Monday Night Football tomorrow! Apparently the New York Giants are playing. I haven't confirmed this yet, but I have lots of minders and spies checking into it. Check back here periodically between now and tomorrow and I'll let you know for sure as soon as I find out.
I hope you aren't sick of Todd Hundley yet, the ex-Mets and Dodgers punter who found himself smoking cigarettes one day in the dugout. This was when I had season tickets to the Dodger games but gave them up when Howard Cosell lit Don Meredith's pants on fire by dropping a lit cigar in his lap.
Some of my boys have a little league game this afternoon. I'll try to blog from the game, pitch by pitch, inch by ugly inch. Stay tuned young fella!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Released On My Own Recognizance
I spent some time at the Los Angeles Coliseum today. I had field passes to the USC Trojans vs. Arizona State Sun Devils game. USC won the game, but it was a nailbiter all the way through. My suggestion to ASU coach Dirk Koetter is to recruit better players if he wants to start winning close games like this one.
As I spent some time on the sidelines, I observed the age-old practice of players smacking each other on the ass after making a good play. It looked like fun.
I didn't want to be left out, so I ran up and down the sidelines smacking the buttocks of every person I could find before being led away in handcuffs by Coliseum Security.
As I learned the hard way, I should've kept my hands to myself.
Let this be a lesson to all of you. Please don't smack anyone on the ass when you're at a ball game even if you have field passes and all the players are groping each other. Wait until you get home and do it to your friends, family or neighbors instead.
I'm sure they'll enjoy it!
As I spent some time on the sidelines, I observed the age-old practice of players smacking each other on the ass after making a good play. It looked like fun.
I didn't want to be left out, so I ran up and down the sidelines smacking the buttocks of every person I could find before being led away in handcuffs by Coliseum Security.
As I learned the hard way, I should've kept my hands to myself.
Let this be a lesson to all of you. Please don't smack anyone on the ass when you're at a ball game even if you have field passes and all the players are groping each other. Wait until you get home and do it to your friends, family or neighbors instead.
I'm sure they'll enjoy it!
Friday, October 10, 2008
Is a Candy Throwing Contest a Sport?
I have 12 kids: one from my first marriage, 11 from my second, and none from my third.
Given my love of sports, one of my 11 kids (from my second marriage) asked me to participate in his school's candy throwing contest this Thursday night from 7 to 8:30 pm. The school is holding the event as a fundraising activity. They are referring to the candy throwing as "the world's newest sport."
Naturally I don't want to miss any quality time with my son. But I'm not too happy with the school calling candy throwing a sport.
Quite frankly, I don't believe "candy throwing" should be considered a sport at all, and the very notion the school uses "candy throwing" and "sport" in the same sentence nauseates me.
Given my love of sports, one of my 11 kids (from my second marriage) asked me to participate in his school's candy throwing contest this Thursday night from 7 to 8:30 pm. The school is holding the event as a fundraising activity. They are referring to the candy throwing as "the world's newest sport."
Naturally I don't want to miss any quality time with my son. But I'm not too happy with the school calling candy throwing a sport.
Quite frankly, I don't believe "candy throwing" should be considered a sport at all, and the very notion the school uses "candy throwing" and "sport" in the same sentence nauseates me.
Morman Chinese Wrestler a Hit
I was just flipping through the TV channels and landed on something very interesting: Male wrestling.
I'm not taking about the fake kind. This was real man-on-man, hard core wrestling. One of the wrestlers was a Morman from China. He called himself, "The Chorman."
He lost the wrestling match, but I expect him to burst onto the world scene with great success sooner rather than later. He is an incredibly physically imposing specimen, standing approximately 6 ft. 2 and weighing nearly 166 pounds.
He seems to be capable of pinning anyone to the mat whenever he wants.
Keep an eye out for him!
I'm not taking about the fake kind. This was real man-on-man, hard core wrestling. One of the wrestlers was a Morman from China. He called himself, "The Chorman."
He lost the wrestling match, but I expect him to burst onto the world scene with great success sooner rather than later. He is an incredibly physically imposing specimen, standing approximately 6 ft. 2 and weighing nearly 166 pounds.
He seems to be capable of pinning anyone to the mat whenever he wants.
Keep an eye out for him!
USC vs. Arizona State
Tomorrow, Saturday, October 11, the #1 ranked USC Trojans take on the Sun Devils of Arizona State at the Los Angeles Coliseum. So what?, you may ask. Here's what.
The Trojans have a 99 game winning streak, the longest in college football history. If they can beat ASU (short for Arizona State), they will have reached 100 straight victories without a loss...inconceivably impressive in this day and age with so much parity in college sports.
Truth be told, the real reason why the Trojans are so good is because of their coach, Pete Carroll. Carroll is widely known as the world's best recruiter. He identifies the very best of the best high school athletes, brings them to USC, then develops them into fine and disciplined young men who don't commit stupid penalties and win every game. Amazing.
The Trojans have a 99 game winning streak, the longest in college football history. If they can beat ASU (short for Arizona State), they will have reached 100 straight victories without a loss...inconceivably impressive in this day and age with so much parity in college sports.
Truth be told, the real reason why the Trojans are so good is because of their coach, Pete Carroll. Carroll is widely known as the world's best recruiter. He identifies the very best of the best high school athletes, brings them to USC, then develops them into fine and disciplined young men who don't commit stupid penalties and win every game. Amazing.
The Dodgers Need Home Court Advantage
As one of the more astute sports fans you'll find, I can tell you exactly why the Dodgers just lost their second straight playoff game to the Kansas City Phillies: The Dodgers suck on the road, and need to get back to Dodger Stadium to have any chance to win this National League playoff series.
The Dodgers need home court advantage. It's a proven fact in playoff baseball lore that teams without home court advantage don't do as well as the home team. I'm no Dodger fan, but frankly, it doesn't seem fair the Phillies got to play the first two games at home.
Now the series comes back to L.A. for three games. If I'm available or the Dodgers invite me, I will attend all three games and blog from throughout each game. The Dodgers need to win all three games, in my opinion, if they have any hope of success. If they can get back to Kansas City up 3 games to 2, they'll be in good shape.
The Dodgers need home court advantage. It's a proven fact in playoff baseball lore that teams without home court advantage don't do as well as the home team. I'm no Dodger fan, but frankly, it doesn't seem fair the Phillies got to play the first two games at home.
Now the series comes back to L.A. for three games. If I'm available or the Dodgers invite me, I will attend all three games and blog from throughout each game. The Dodgers need to win all three games, in my opinion, if they have any hope of success. If they can get back to Kansas City up 3 games to 2, they'll be in good shape.
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