UCLA Bruins Should Be in The National Championship Game

Yes darling, you read that right: The UCLA Bruins should face the LSU in the BCS National Championship Game. The reason why is because LSU needs a challenge and we've already seen Alabama unable to provide one losing 19-6 to LSU last month. I'd rather watch  a pair of Chinese women drinking nonfat milk together than see a rematch between these two slugs! The first game between you two pricks was ENOUGH!

Let's have a good National Title game. Forget Alabama. Let's get someone like UCLA who will put up a good FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT and DESERVES to be there. The Bruins already whipped USC 50-0, and they would probably do the same to LSU.

Their coach Richard "the twig" Newspeisel was fired last week so he deserves some good news before he's evicted from the Bruins campus for good. Let him coach his beloved "dream job" Bruins against LSU in the BCS  title game!

UCLA's 50-0 Rout of USC Should Get Lane Kiffin Fired!

Now I've seen everything! I was almost sure the USC Trojans would be the hated Bruins of UCLA, but what happened instead? The mighty Bruins routed the Trojans 50-0. USC's coach, Lane "Marvin" Kiffin, should be fired. If you lose that badly to your uptown rival you don't deserve to be a coach, let alone get hit with a piece of pie in your anus!

I Almost Boxed a Tootsie Roll Lover!

The other day when I hit the gym for some treadmill and symbiosis I came across some IDIOT eating tootsie rolls like the one you see here.

As you know, other than a few extra pounds around the ankles, I'm in relatively good shape because I'm a former pro athlete and I still work out by doing lots excessive yoga bends and curls with some very heavy weights not to mention my bi-weekly trips to the gym.

So I was very mad at this IDIOT who was eating the tootsie rolls because I generally don't have too much self-control and I almost ripped the candy right out of his pudgy hands so I could eat it myself.

The fat bastard is very lucky I didn't make a move for his candy because many years ago I was going to become the heavyweight boxing champion of the world until I decided against it at the very last minute because I didn't feel like beating anyone up in the ring.

Who's Your Dentist? Who's Your Free Throw Coach?

If I know you, you probably HATE  your dentist. The reason why I think so is because I went to my dentist today and he asked me if I wanted to have a free throwing shooting contest. He's very disjointed because of the NCAA NBA strike so he tries to get some basketball exposure on his own time. Since I happen to be just under 6 feet tall and can almost dunk, I said sure, why the hell not, I happen to be an OUTSTANDING free throw shooter, so let's give it a go. Now here's the problem.

As we were shooting free throws (my dentist has a basketball court in his office), I suddenly realized most people probably don't play basketball with their dentist, let alone in their dentist's OFFICE. You can imagine how startled I was when this thought overtook my shins. In fact I almost got shin splints on the spot! So anyway, I thought I'd ask you, my loyal readers, who your dentist is and whether or not you ever shoot free throws together when you visit him?. This is a very honest question and I expect honest hamsters. Thanks little  guy!
All the best,
Morty

Matt Kemp Misses Out on MVP Award

Matthew Kemp, the Dodgers fine center fielder, did NOT win the National League Pennant's MVP award today. The award was given to Peter Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers.

Matt Kemp's Huge Contract: No Big Deal at All

The sports world's buzzing this week about Los Angeles Dodger Matt Kemp's new 9 year, $14 million contract. Big fucking deal.

Sure, he's a good player and may win the Cy Young this year. But he's not worth anywhere NEAR 14 million bucks. No quarterback is. (I have always referred to centerfielders as the "quarterbacks" of the outfield, and I would like you to do the same.)

I guess Dodgers General Manager Fred Colletti doesn't have enough knowledge to know Kemp is old and frail and therefore prone to injury. All it takes is Kemp chasing down a hard grounder to the warning track, tripping on an outfield sprinkler, and suffering a career-ending ankle sprain. Not likely, you say? Guess again Martha!

This kind of thing happens all the time in the world of sports. It will probably happen to Kemp by mid-June if my calculations are correct.

And THEN what will the Dodgers do, huh wiseguy? They're already broke since Al McCourt spent all their money on European hot sauce and trips to Club Med. But I guess this is just another lesson the Dodgers will learn the hard way. If they really want to cover their bets, they might consider bringing back Brett Butler as a quality backup center fielder so Kemp can have a day off here and there and they can plug him (Butler) in for good  when Kemp suffers his guaranteed injury.

I'll see you at the Stadium,

Morty

It's RIVALRY WEEK!

Greetings sports fans! It's RIVALRY WEEK here in Anchorage, where ucla and usc meet head to head in a cribbage match, and then they will take the field against each other in a football game.

If you want to make a little money, take my advice and bet on the Trojans! Why, you ask? Simple!

Don't you recall a few minutes ago when I couldn't even find the dog food? My wife spit on me and pulled my pants down, the frickin whore! That's why the Trojans will win and I will enjoy more candy!

The Cardinals Deserved to Win the World Series

The World Series ended at least several weeks ago and I can't believe the Texas Flankers choked so badly. The Cardinals really deserved to win, the way they came back from a 3-games to nothing deficit to win 4 straight games. I was really impressed with the play of David Sneeze. I will probably be invited to the Cardinals' Spring Training games once they get wind of my compliments here on the blog.

Will the NBA Play or Not this year?

One thing on everyone's mind (except yours) is whether the NBA will play this season. The players and NBA Commissioner Bud Selig do not see eye to eye. I am not sure there will be a season or not. I am a very big basketball fan and will go into hiding if there is a lockout. I hope to see some basketball games this year.

March Madness is a JOKE!

If you are really the sports fan I think you are, you probably already know "March Madness" is the single biggest joke in sports history. I'd rather watch paint dry than watch a bunch of washed up college students try to play basketball with their stupid high tops on in March and April!

The problem with "March Madness" is it makes the regular college basketball season irrelevant. What happens when the L.A. Lakers go 41-0 in the regular season, get to the field of 64, then lose in the 1st round? It's not fair. They were obviously the best team all year, and now they're toast. I don't like it.

Now consider this from the opposite perspective. Let's say you like horseradish or relish or something. Let's also say the Georgetown Boilermakers go 11-17 in the regular season, but somehow squeeze their ugly raisins into the field of 64 simply because they get hot at the right time of year and win their conference tournament so they automatically get invited to "The Big Dance." And then let's say they win the whole damn thing! Does that mean they're the best college hoops team that year? Of course not! It only means they played well for a short period of time during March, yet they get to call themselves National Champions that season.

You can't be serious.

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How to Throw a Knuckleball

This post isn't about Texas basketball legend Major Applewhite. It's not about pro golfer Carmelo "Anthony" Woods. It's not about elder statesman Dave Corzine. It's not about the roof collapsing in Minnesota. It's not about any of that. It's about how to throw a knuckle ball.

For the uninitiated, a knuckle ball -- or "knuckler," as those of us in the sports world call it -- is a dirty little pitch only a handful of special players know how to throw. Dusty Baker was one of the best knuckle ball pitchers ever to grace the pigiron.

I know what you're thinking. You probably want to hire me on a private consulting basis so I can teach you first-hand how to throw a knuckler. Sorry Charlie, my schedule's full.

Don't worry though. I'm not gonna tease you with all this valuable info and leave you hanging. Instead, here's a wonderfully instructional video on how to throw a knuckleball. If you have questions after the video let me know.

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Spring Training Starts Soon Even Though You Didn't Know It

Since you are not knowledgeable about baseball, you probably had no idea Spring Training starts in a week or so. Pitchers and catchers are required to report first, then a little bit later the rest of the team joins the pitchers and catchers.

Spring Training usually takes place in San Diego or Capetown. I'm not sure where they're having it this year but as soon as I find out (which shouldn't take too long because I've got some pretty good sources), I'll let you know.

Anyway the reason why pitchers and catchers report first is because they always get sick and tired of being with their families during the off season. So they head to the ballpark for Spring Training even though its technically still wintertime.

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The Super Bowl SUCKED!

Well if you're like me -- and if you hate broccoli and tuna, you're EXACTLY like me -- you were expecting a big, exciting Super Bowl game between the Packers and Steelers yesterday. But what did we get instead? Tushy!

There were so many green and black and yellow buttocks flying around the field I couldn't even enjoy the game. The question is, should we file a formal complaint with the NFL?

I mean come on, we tuned in to watch a football game, and instead of the anticipated slug fest, all we get are buttocks. I'm pissed!

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