UCLA's 50-0 Rout of USC Should Get Lane Kiffin Fired!

Now I've seen everything! I was almost sure the USC Trojans would be the hated Bruins of UCLA, but what happened instead? The mighty Bruins routed the Trojans 50-0. USC's coach, Lane "Marvin" Kiffin, should be fired. If you lose that badly to your uptown rival you don't deserve to be a coach, let alone get hit with a piece of pie in your anus!

I Almost Boxed a Tootsie Roll Lover!

The other day when I hit the gym for some treadmill and symbiosis I came across some IDIOT eating tootsie rolls like the one you see here.

As you know, other than a few extra pounds around the ankles, I'm in relatively good shape because I'm a former pro athlete and I still work out by doing lots excessive yoga bends and curls with some very heavy weights not to mention my bi-weekly trips to the gym.

So I was very mad at this IDIOT who was eating the tootsie rolls because I generally don't have too much self-control and I almost ripped the candy right out of his pudgy hands so I could eat it myself.

The fat bastard is very lucky I didn't make a move for his candy because many years ago I was going to become the heavyweight boxing champion of the world until I decided against it at the very last minute because I didn't feel like beating anyone up in the ring.

Who's Your Dentist? Who's Your Free Throw Coach?

If I know you, you probably HATE  your dentist. The reason why I think so is because I went to my dentist today and he asked me if I wanted to have a free throwing shooting contest. He's very disjointed because of the NCAA NBA strike so he tries to get some basketball exposure on his own time. Since I happen to be just under 6 feet tall and can almost dunk, I said sure, why the hell not, I happen to be an OUTSTANDING free throw shooter, so let's give it a go. Now here's the problem.

As we were shooting free throws (my dentist has a basketball court in his office), I suddenly realized most people probably don't play basketball with their dentist, let alone in their dentist's OFFICE. You can imagine how startled I was when this thought overtook my shins. In fact I almost got shin splints on the spot! So anyway, I thought I'd ask you, my loyal readers, who your dentist is and whether or not you ever shoot free throws together when you visit him?. This is a very honest question and I expect honest hamsters. Thanks little  guy!
All the best,
Morty

Matt Kemp Misses Out on MVP Award

Matthew Kemp, the Dodgers fine center fielder, did NOT win the National League Pennant's MVP award today. The award was given to Peter Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers.

Matt Kemp's Huge Contract: No Big Deal at All

The sports world's buzzing this week about Los Angeles Dodger Matt Kemp's new 9 year, $14 million contract. Big fucking deal.

Sure, he's a good player and may win the Cy Young this year. But he's not worth anywhere NEAR 14 million bucks. No quarterback is. (I have always referred to centerfielders as the "quarterbacks" of the outfield, and I would like you to do the same.)

I guess Dodgers General Manager Fred Colletti doesn't have enough knowledge to know Kemp is old and frail and therefore prone to injury. All it takes is Kemp chasing down a hard grounder to the warning track, tripping on an outfield sprinkler, and suffering a career-ending ankle sprain. Not likely, you say? Guess again Martha!

This kind of thing happens all the time in the world of sports. It will probably happen to Kemp by mid-June if my calculations are correct.

And THEN what will the Dodgers do, huh wiseguy? They're already broke since Al McCourt spent all their money on European hot sauce and trips to Club Med. But I guess this is just another lesson the Dodgers will learn the hard way. If they really want to cover their bets, they might consider bringing back Brett Butler as a quality backup center fielder so Kemp can have a day off here and there and they can plug him (Butler) in for good  when Kemp suffers his guaranteed injury.

I'll see you at the Stadium,

Morty

It's RIVALRY WEEK!

Greetings sports fans! It's RIVALRY WEEK here in Anchorage, where ucla and usc meet head to head in a cribbage match, and then they will take the field against each other in a football game.

If you want to make a little money, take my advice and bet on the Trojans! Why, you ask? Simple!

Don't you recall a few minutes ago when I couldn't even find the dog food? My wife spit on me and pulled my pants down, the frickin whore! That's why the Trojans will win and I will enjoy more candy!

The Cardinals Deserved to Win the World Series

The World Series ended at least several weeks ago and I can't believe the Texas Flankers choked so badly. The Cardinals really deserved to win, the way they came back from a 3-games to nothing deficit to win 4 straight games. I was really impressed with the play of David Sneeze. I will probably be invited to the Cardinals' Spring Training games once they get wind of my compliments here on the blog.